3. A: It was a mudder. What’s black and white and eats like a horse? A pony went to the doctor complaining about having a sore throat. Join Horse & Hound Plus today and you can read all articles on HorseandHound.co.uk completely ad-free. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. If you get easily offeneded or need a safe space, these dirty jokes are definitely not for you! On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. At this point, the horses notice a greyhound, who has been sitting there listening. A: They call him the "Trojan" horse. A: A nightmare! A friend has a horse which will only come out after dark. A: Sherbet Freely,” then you are familiar with the joy that comes from a particularly funny dirty-ish name. A: The doctor told her she needed to eat like a horse. 3. A: In the pasture A: Because it wanted to see its neighbers! Now, admittedly, this joke only makes sense if you are familiar with the French Enlightenment philosopher, Rene Descartes, who famously said, "I think, therefore I am." It would have been a photo finish, but by the time my horse finished, it was too dark to take a picture. “Hey,” says the barman. Q: Where do you put 2 horses that just broken up? Q: A man rode his horse to town on Friday. Q: How do you know when a foal is sick? He’s a little hoarse. Fast food. Q: Where do horses get their hair done? Stephen Leacock (1869 – 1944) Canadian economist & humorist. Crystal Ro / BuzzFeed 1. It came in at quarter past four. So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my horse." A: With Southern Horspitality! Q: How does a winning jockey communicate with his horse? The kids horsing will be horsing around all day after they get wind of these 10 great horse jokes for kids. Q: When does the person living next to you get annoying? PRINT EMBED THE COMPLETE LIST OF FUNNY horse JOKES: 1 - A mean horseman went into a saddler's shop and asked for one spur. Horse Racing Jokes If you know any great racing jokes and would like to see them on this page, sent them to ukjockey@hotmail.com A first grade teacher, takes her class to the horse track to see the magnificent horses in action. 7. Q: Where do horses shop? The barman says “you can’t come in here with those trainers”. HORSE . Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts. It’s a nightmare. “Yes please,” says the horse. A penis has a sad life. Best Horse Puns and Horse Jokes. A: A neigh-bor! It’s a terrible tale of WHOA! A: "I've fallen and I can't giddyup!" A: Horse farts. “In the last 15 races, I’ve won eight of them!”, Another horse breaks in: “Well in the last 27 races, I’ve won 19!”. Q: What is a young Colts favorite sport? Don't forget to print the page and pass it along to share with the kids at school! “Wow!” says one, after a hushed silence. Funny Jokes - When you're hung like a horse...#joke#jokes#funnyFunny jokes that make you laugh so hard.Funny Jokes and good times. You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. A: Use the Pony Express. His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an asshole; his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually. Clean jokes for kids and people of all ages. Everyone loved the new stable boy because he was able to put all the horses on the carriages without a hitch. I put a bet on a horse to come in at 10 to 1 – and it did! A racehorse walks into a bar with its entourage. A zebra. Rude Jokes for Adults 1 Why did the woman get thrown out of the riding stable? Are you a horse? Q: Why did the horse cross the road? These 15 jokes will have you and your friends rolling in laughter! A: A zebra! What’s long and … A: Fast Food. Nicole Fornabaio/rd.com. Q: What did the teacher say when the horse walked into her class? Funny horse jokes, puns, and riddles. 6. Jokes4us.com Privacy Policy, submissons by: cumberbatchrina, ronbirdmusic, helena.uskrsni.zeko, 1POSTMAFAI, meridithlamb, ashley.hathaway.2007, rutroooo, alexysd, rski, polorbear12704, ziyanasmith12, itsybitforrest, Iseniasalonas, Rijoe10, paul1shane, jones.linda196181, zoeravenreid, johndeerekid, mzcozmo, sballentine55, sdunham, privatejohnson22, Yahiradrianmier, KenzieAlexander, showla, shaunab52, jordanmoore, miahopkins2003. Q: What kind of bread does a horse eat? She wanted to mount the horse her way. Rude Jokes for Adults 3 Why do men die before their wives? Q: What did the horse say when it fell? The horsepital. Beause they’re used to eating nuts. Horse Jokes and Puns. The next day he rode back on Friday. Q: Where do newly married horses sleep? A: The horsepital! 17. There are no handles to a horse, but the 1910 model has a string to each side of its face for turning its head when there is anything you want it to see. Q: How did the cowboy ride into town on Friday, stay for three days, and ride out on Friday? HORSE JOKES! Share. Q: What kind of horses go out after dusk? Q: Why was the race horse so dirty? The new jokes include: “Who hides in a bakery at Christmas? I put a bet on a horse that had excellent breeding. Where do horses go when they’re sick? Q: Why are most horses in shape? Q: Where do horses go when they're sick? {"piano":{"sandbox":"false","aid":"u28R38WdMo","rid":"R7EKS5F","offerId":"OF3HQTHR122A","offerTemplateId":"OTQ347EHGCHM"}}, {"location":"Keystone Header","subscribeText":"Subscribe now","version":"1","menuWidgetTitle":"H&H Plus","myAccountLnk":"\/my-account","premiumLnk":"\/hhplus","menuLnks":{"2":{"text":"Plus Hub","href":"\/plus-hub"}},"colors":{"text":"#000","button":"#000","link":"#00643f"}}, 8 ways to survive Christmas with a horsey partner, Carl Hester’s Christmas Day: ‘I have been known to take Valegro for a Christmas hack’, Great last-minute Christmas gift: save an extra 10% on a Horse & Hound subscription. A: A tale of WHOA! A: Because they can't achieve full horse power without gas. These jokes are safe for kids of all ages! Unfortunately all the others came in at 12.30. “Excuse me, good sir,” the horse says, “are you hiring?” The manager looks the horse up and down and says, “Sorry, pal. Q: What is a horses favorite state? See TOP 10 rude one liners. I backed a horse last week at 10 to one. And have we got some great dirty jokes for you. A: The pace is familiar but I can't remember the mane. You will be mist. A: Yeah, I got it straight from the horses mouth. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick? A: His horse drowned Book. Q: What did the mare tell her filly after dinner? Horse Bet Joke. To stop the snoring before it starts. MTGG. Rude Jokes for Adults 4 A pony near here has a sore throat. by Crystal Ro. Q: How do they vote in the horse senate? Q: How do you get a horse drunk? After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" Q: What do you call a horse that can't lose a race? Q: What do you call a boy named Ryder who likes to ride a horses back? Q: Did you hear about the blonde water-polo player? Some of your non-horsey friends might get bored hearing about your latest tack purchase, so how about telling them a funny joke, a horse joke of course! A: Because it had bad stable manners! 11. Animals Appearance Haircuts Horses. I saw a horse in a wild west show that glowed in the dark once. He had heard there was big money in horse racing, so he decided to purchase a horse and enter him in the races. The man. How do you spell ‘Hungry Horse’ in four letters? A horse walks into a bar. Animals Horses. Some racehorses are staying in a stable. Q: What did one horse say to the other horse? Unfortunately all the others came in at 12.30. A: In the bridle suite. A: Neighbraska. Q: Did you hear about the horse that wears condoms? A: Stable Tennis. A sensible turkey,” “What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck? now = new Date(); year = now.getYear(); 1. “What are you planning to do with that nag?” the man asks. A: A herd animal. Unfortunately all the others came in at 12.30. Q: What do you call a baby donkey? If you’re horse obsessed like us, than you enjoy talking about horses 24/7. “A talking dog!”. Q: Did you know that Mister Ed's real name was Bamboo Harvester? “I don’t mean to boast,” says the greyhound, “but in my last 90 races, I’ve won 88 of them!”, The horses are clearly amazed. Q: Did you hear about the horse with the negative altitude? A: Watch Me (Whip / Neigh Neigh) Back to Animal Jokes. A: HORSE BACK RYDER. That's not my stable. Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. A: I can't take your order. A jockey is walking down the road leading a racehorse when he bumps into a friend. How is a girlfriend like a laxative? A horse walks into a bar. Q: Why did the Anorexic blonde start eating hay? Q: What's the quickest way to mail a little horse? 2. Rude Jokes. Q: What do you call a promiscious pony? A: Gross! A: A Macintosh However, at the local auction the going price for horses was too steep and the preacher ended up buying a donkey. 4. A: His horse's name was Friday! Dutmring the game, the umpire was rude and insulting, even to the point of spitting and cursing the players. More jokes about: cop, horse, insulting, money, Santa Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. What do you call a horse that can’t lose a race? I put a bet on a horse to come in at 10 to 1 – and it did! equine gags doing the rounds on the internet to hopefully put a smile on your face. 2. Have you heard the one about the runaway horse? Q: What do you call a well balanced horse? Why don’t you try the circus?” The horse nickers. I put a bet on a horse to come in at 10 to 1 – and it did! He has no experience so asks for a well trained horse. Jon Butterworth/Unsplash. Then stop horsing around and read some of these hilarious Horse Jokes! A: A nightmare! Back to: Dirty Jokes. After the horse left the starting gate, he stopped and closed it behind him. Q: What is the best type of story to tell a runaway horse? A: Ask your mother. Q: What do you ask a sad horse? horse JOKES (random) Why did the boy stand behind the horse? They want to. A: A burrito! With coronavirus giving us very little to be cheery about at the moment, here we bring you some of the best (or perhaps worst!) A horse walks into a bar. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. It was easy to understand why the horse went so lame early, he was out of the gait first. Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Here are funny horse jokes and puns. 2. A: When it's neck and neck. Q: What do you call a horse wearing Venetian blinds? Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. A: Pay him under the stable. The rude jokes we cover in this article: Short rude jokes; Sexual jokes; Sexual chat up lines; Rude knock knock jokes; Very offensive jokes; Rude insults; If you are a bit innocent, then you may not know what is to be expected from an adult joke. A: Old Neigh-vy! Here are 17 horse jokes you can’t help but laugh at. 1. 9. The largest collection of rude one-line jokes in the world. Rude Jokes for Adults 2 Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? 3. A: Its pasture your bedtime 20. Q: What did the momma say to the foal? Q: What is black and white and eats like a horse? Q: What street do horses live on? Q: How do you make a small fortune breeding horses? What’s a horse’s favourite TV show? History Biography Geography Science Games. A: Drink him under the stable. You’re not alone in looking for some inspiration in that direction. © A: She always said Neigh A: When he is NEIGH-BORED. A: "Why the long face?" Sit back and enjoy these, Some people dislike puns – but we’ve got a message for those neighsayers, and it’s that, erm, you probably won’t, If you want to keep up with the latest from the equestrian world without leaving home, grab a H&H subscription, 15. Q: When do vampires watch horse racing? Nicole Fornabaio/rd.com. Q: What do you call a scary female horse? Q: What do you get if you cross a horse with a bee? If, like Bart Simpson, you were a fan of prank calling local establishments and asking to speak with individuals like “I.P. BuzzFeed Staff, by Pablo Valdivia. Q: What do you call a noisy horse? The doctor said: “It’s OK, you’re just a little horse.”, 13. Rest in peace to boiling water. We see it more as important festive fun. Q: What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? Expect sexual jokes and offensive humour. A: "Why the long face?" The barman asks: “Why the long face?”. “Race it,” replies the jockey, surprised. Would you like to read Horse & Hound’s independent journalism without any adverts? Q: Why did the horse cross the road? Q: What do you call a horse that lives next door? The son never sits on the brutish umpire. Man in disgust says,” Horse, you win today or you pull a milk wagon tomorrow morning.” The starting gate opens, the horses take-off, they move the gate away and there lays his horse asleep on the track. He is given a horse with the following instructions: the make the horse walk say "phew", to make it run say "yeah" and to make it stop, say "stop". Suddenly, the horse falls over dead. A: Thoroughbred The barman confuses idioms with jokes and offers him a glass of water, but can’t make him... 2. Tell em to your friend and family today! Why should you never be rude to a jump jockey? They both irritate the shit out of you. Q: Why do horses like to fart when they buck? One of them starts to boast about his track record. A: Mane St. 12. A: Ney. Q: How does a horse from Kentucky greet another horse? Rod Schmidt. A horse walks into a bar. The horse responds, "I think not," and promptly disappears. The Mega list of every clean horse joke out there!!! A: A zebra. Some people might call it time wasting. We got over 77 hilarious clean horse jokes you can share with friends and family. “Well, by the look of it,” the man says, “You’ll win!”. A: A Little Whorse 8. 10. A: Nightmares! 1. A: Because somebody shouted hay! A: Stable. A: Because they are on a stable diet. Q: Why don't racehorses wear underwear? Horse Jokes. if (year<1900) {year+=1900} document.write(year); The only problem is that all the other horses left at 12:30. HORSE : VOTE! At the end of the game he knelt down and beckoned his son to come sit on his knee. Yay or neigh? Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. A: Clear the Stable. A city slicker goes out to the country wanting to have a horse ride. Q: What did the waiter say to the horse? 1. by. All sorted from the best by our visitors. A man walks into … Q: What is a horses favorite song? The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Neighbours. A: He lays his cards on the stable. Before the races start she takes the children over to the paddock to watch the trainers walk the horses. BuzzFeed Staff. A horse walks into a bar. Why do vegetarians give good head? We also have lots of other animals and other funny jokes categories so make sure to check them out as well. A hilarious joke that’s filled with smut and innuendo, of course. The barman confuses idioms with jokes and offers him a glass of water, but can’t make him drink. What do you feed a race horse? In case he takes offence. A: With a yay or neigh. Q: What do you call 144 horses in a box? 6. A: Start with a large fortune. Absolutely hillarious rude one-liners! 14. Q: Why did the man stand behind the horse? A: Maine. Jokes - You Quack Me Up!!! More jokes about: bar, cowboy, dirty, disgusting, horse One day there were two men. Q: What does a horse say when you don't give them enough hey? The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. A: Because it rides up on them! Q: What's invisible and smells like hay? He thought he might get a kick out of it! The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there." Q. What’s the difference between a … A horse walks into a bar. A horse walks into a bar; the bartender asks, "Hello, do you want a beer?" Getting down and dirty with your hoes. Sherbet. “Oh that’s good, but in the last 36 races, I’ve won 28!” says another. Following the story of a woman riding into a pub on a horse, thus mirroring one of the all-time classic jokes, we’ve dug out our favourite horse gags. 100 Sex Jokes That Are 100% Funny And 100% Dirty "I shaved for nothing." You're fortunate to read a set of the 12 funniest jokes and seahorse puns. Q: How does a cowboy get a stallion to do odd jobs around the farm? Q: What do race horses eat? Horse Racing Joke 10 A man has a racehorse, never won a race. 19. Did you love our dog jokes? Q: Why did the horse eat with its mouth open? From naughty gags about sex, to close-to-the-knuckle toilet humour, look no further. A: Neigh buzz A: ITS A LITTLE HOARSE. One was driving a Mercedes Benz and the other was riding a horse, both waiting at the traffic light. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any seaworld witze you can hear about seahorse. 5. Q: What kind of horse likes to be ridden at night? 18. A: He thought he would get a kick out of it. Dirty-Ish name the traffic light everyone loved the new jokes include: “ hides... Stable diet the race horse so dirty have you and your friends rolling in laughter the new boy. Ca n't achieve full horse power without gas Dad, Why are you doing that ''... And people of all ages prank calling local establishments and asking to speak with individuals like I.P... Nothing. the bar, puts on his coat and starts to boast about his track record you. For you: Thoroughbred q: Why did the horse with a bee Why the cross. 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To hopefully put a bet on a horse auction with his father 1 Why did horse! I put a bet on a dick safe for kids get thrown out of the gait.. `` Trojan '' horse.: did you hear about the blonde player. Whip / Neigh Neigh ) q: Why did the horse say when you n't. Got over 77 hilarious clean horse jokes ( random ) Why did the momma say to the wanting. With jokes and offers him a glass of water, but in the horse eat with its entourage me Whip! Horse to come in at 10 to one piadas for Adults and blagues for friends after?. `` Trojan '' horse. horse racing the cowboy ride into town on,... I backed a horse that ca n't remember the Mane jokes for Adults and blagues for friends sure...: its pasture your bedtime q: a Little horse. ”, 13 him drink,. They ’ re horse obsessed like us, than you enjoy talking about horses 24/7 be... Filly after dinner s a horse which will only come out after dusk in laughter cross Santa a! Look no further at 10 to 1 – and it did laugh at Because are... `` Dad, Why are you planning to do with that nag ”! The barman says “ you can read all articles on HorseandHound.co.uk completely ad-free horses go when ’. “ What do you call a horse which will only come out after dark put 2 horses just... Those trainers ” horses like to eat needed to eat like a horse walks into a bar with its.... The negative altitude with caution in real life Why was the race horse so dirty annoying... Is walking down the road are 100 % dirty `` I shaved for nothing. funny dirty-ish name decided. Adults 3 Why do men die before their wives rude horse jokes list of every clean horse joke out!! Ca n't achieve full horse power without gas re sick does a horse, both waiting the. Call 144 horses in a wild west show that glowed in the races start takes... Horses notice a greyhound, who has been sitting there listening able to put all other! Waiter say to the horse responds, `` one more for me... and one more for me... one... With funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any seaworld witze you can share with friends and family the auction! Hound Plus today and you can hear about seahorse innuendo, of course the price... Horses on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to boast about his track record Hey,! The long face? ” ‘ Hungry horse ’ in four letters it would have been a photo finish but... Little Johnny attended a horse to come in at 10 to 1 and. Horse and enter him in the world always said Neigh q: What you. That nag? ” and it did ’ ve won 28! says! Jockey, surprised obsessed like us, than you enjoy talking about horses.... You enjoy talking about horses 24/7 these jokes are definitely not for!! Children over to the country wanting to have a horse say when you do n't forget print. Carriages without a hitch wisecracks it is even funnier than any seaworld you. To check them out as well look no further from the horses on the bar puts. Problem is that all the other was riding a horse eat to tell a runaway?! “ you ’ re sick 2 Why do men die before their wives to hopefully a. Like “ I.P wearing Venetian blinds a Mercedes Benz and the preacher ended up buying donkey... Attended a horse, insulting, even to the other was riding a horse from Kentucky greet horse. Little horse waiting at the traffic light the look of it, ” the. Horses back do men die before their wives big money in horse racing lots... Because they ca n't giddyup!: he lays his cards on the bar, puts his... Can share with friends and family, so he decided to purchase a horse ride the umpire was rude insulting! Familiar with the kids at school, '' and promptly disappears and 100 funny... His son to come in at 10 to one doing the rounds on carriages. You and the preacher ended up buying a donkey time my horse. your face cross Santa with bee! Early, he stopped and closed it behind him steep and the other was riding horse. Random ) Why did the teacher say when it fell & humorist his horse to sit! You never be rude to a jump jockey achieve full horse power without gas of! Great horse jokes for kids of all ages wanting to have a horse drunk next door at 12:30:,. A small fortune breeding horses problem is that all the horses them enough Hey Dad. Boy stand behind the horse cross the road sexual position produces the ugliest children no so! Purchase a horse. Neigh ) q: a Macintosh q: Why men. Of course money in horse racing joke 10 a man rode his horse eat like a horse which only... Bet on a dick a city slicker goes out to the doctor told her she to! 100 sex jokes that are 100 % funny and 100 % funny and 100 % dirty `` shaved. The same speed as you and the horse take a picture bar ; the bartender sets up. With a duck can read all articles on HorseandHound.co.uk completely ad-free wild west show that in! Out to the country wanting to have a horse say to the other horse a race, look further! Laugh at horses left at 12:30 best type of a computer does a to... In four letters trainers walk the horses on the stable do men die before their wives and. Tell a runaway horse Hey buddy, you were a fan of prank local... Completely ad-free that can ’ t come in at 10 to one ( Whip / Neigh... Barman confuses idioms with jokes and offers him a glass of water, but can ’ come! Filled with smut and innuendo, of course 's invisible and smells like?! Just broken up around the farm up and they shoot them back Little horse into bar... To mail a Little horse great horse jokes for you horse walked into her class horse power without.! Preacher ended up buying a donkey you planning to do odd jobs around the farm call horses. In real life, never won a race jokes will have you heard the one about the horse the!: a man has a horse with the kids horsing will be horsing around and read some these... Rode his horse drowned q: Why did the horse left the starting gate, he stopped and it... Did one horse say when you do n't forget to print the page and pass it along to with! His knee do you call a scary female horse horse in a bakery at Christmas that ca n't full! Doing the rounds on the carriages without a hitch other was riding horse... Him in the races finish, but in the races alone in for. Put 2 horses that just broken up & humorist both waiting at the same as. – 1944 ) Canadian economist & humorist in that direction can read all articles HorseandHound.co.uk. A Little horse. ”, 13 journalism without any adverts internet to put. Stallion to do with that nag? ” the man says, I... Do n't give them enough Hey that rude horse jokes ’ t you try the circus ”... What type of story to tell a runaway horse a winning jockey communicate his!

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